Why we choose emotionally unavailable partners

Those who dream of intimacy are drawn to those who are afraid of it. Fiercely defended their independence attracts those who are constantly invading their personal space. It does not sound very logical, but it is inherent in us. What makes us fall in love with emotionally unavailable partners, and is there any chance to change it? Learn more with our free gay chat blog.

The basic idea

  • If we evaluate ourselves negatively, then we find comfort in dealing with those who perceive us as well.
  • You can meet partners who use to communicate one of three strategies: a safe, and avoid manipulative.
  • Emotionally unavailable partners constitute the majority in the "dating market" and seem to us more attractive for certain reasons.
  • Affection - it is a big emergency button in the brain. When life goes on as usual, it is not necessary. We bake some cakes, collect bouquets of leaves, playing catch-up. Or, meet with friends, make plans, go to work and enjoy every day.

But there is something wrong: we fall and break his knee. School bully kicks us - and we drop the lunch on the floor. Chief threatened with dismissal. This creates a negative experience worry and anxiety, and anxiety, in turn, activates our emergency button. And it sends a signal: look for intimacy. We find those relationships that support us - or rather, what we think about ourselves. And this is the paradox: affection, without which we would have a child is unlikely to survive, began to play with us a cruel joke. If we evaluate ourselves negatively, the comfort we find it in a relationship with someone who appreciates us as well.


The affection we felt for the mother as a child, dictates one of three strategies in the relationship.

1. Health Strategy (secure attachment)

According to research by psychologists, such a strategy does not use more than 50%. Such people can easily come together and communicate with others. Do not feel uncomfortable when them someone independent, and do not fear losing their freedom. They perceive others and us positively. If the partner is not satisfied in a relationship, we are always ready for dialogue.

2. Manipulative strategy (anxious attachment)

These people are looking for in a relationship as close. Their ideal is complete fusion. Often they worry that their partner loves them enough, they are afraid to be alone. People of this type underestimate them and elevate other on a pedestal, do their best to meet the expectations of the people important to them. Extremely affectionate, constantly seeking external assurance for its own values, because they themselves do not feel it.

3. Strategy "Leave me alone!" (Avoiding type)

They feel uncomfortable in a relationship, do not like to depend on others, and prefer to and from no one dependent. Having experienced at first hand that the proximity brings only suffering, striving for independence and self-sufficiency. They seek to exploit uncertainty over-affectionate people, to further strengthen their superiority.